by

My World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day. You want to know how I celebrated? By going to the doctor because I was everything but okay. My anxiety has been running rampant and ruining my life and I got fed up with it. So I went to my doctor who promptly put me on another mood stabilizer and anti-anxiety medication.

What can we take from this? It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to struggle sometimes. And it’s okay to seek help. It doesn’t make you weak or stupid. It makes you strong and willful.

I have been struggling with bipolar disorder and anxiety for a long time and it is anything but a cake walk. I struggle to find joy in things, I pace back and forth in my house, I have a hard time getting to sleep because of racing thoughts. It’s hard. But I keep pushing forward because that’s the only way I’m going to break the cycle.

Keep pushing. Keep going. Stay strong. Because tomorrow is worth seeing, and you are worth being here.

by

Something New Every Day

So being a new mother, I never really know what to expect out of Marceline each day. She is growing so much that I’m scared if I blink, I’m going to miss something.

Yesterday, she pulled up on her own for the first time. This is exciting and terrifying at the same time. Exciting because she is becoming more independent every day. She is learning and getting stronger. Terrifying because I am scared of her getting hurt. I know she is going to fall. I know that she is going to cry. But it still scares me because I never want her to hurt. However, I know this is all part of it. I know that she is going to have to take a few tumbles to figure out what she is doing. And that’s how life is, sometimes we have to fall down to learn.

Every day is something new with her and it’s so much fun to watch her figure things out. Simple things like holding her bottle on her own for lunch or learning she can stick out her tongue. I can’t wait to see what her future holds because she is already so strong and smart.

by

Gearing up for something great

Hey all, I’m excited to announce that for my second year, I will be participating in Extra Life.

Extra Life is a time where gamers from all over the globe come together to stream to raise donations for local Children’s Miracle Network hospitals. It is a great way to raise money for sick and injured kids and I am so excited to be a part of it again this year.

My gaming community, Modern Day Gaming, is going to be hosting several streams until the big event on November 3rd when we come together to stream for as long as we can to raise money.

If you are interested in donating, my page is https://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=317742

Modern Day Gaming’s page is https://www.extra-life.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.team&teamID=40907

If you are a gamer and would be interested in joining this awesome cause, check out our Discord: https://discord.gg/ED34wvU

Remember, this is all for charity, and for a darn good one at that so please consider donating. We do it for the kids!

by

Day by Day

Every day starts the same. I wake up and look over to see my daughter looking at me. I get out of bed and get ready to feed her. After I feed her, I put her down and try to get a couple chores done. This is my attempt to do anything during the day. To try to get anything done. Normally, my anxiety controls a lot of my day, but I am trying to change this.

Day by day, I am trying to get better. I am on new medications for my anxiety and my bipolar medication has my mood swing symptoms under control. It has been nice not having such terrible mood swings, but I am still not quite where I want to be.

Day by day, I try to do things that I enjoy so I can feel alive again. I try to be happy and be there for my daughter.

I am hoping that I am good enough for her, because there are days when I have my doubts. I am trying so hard to get better for her. She is really the reason I am still here.

Day by day, I make it by.

by

Trying to Find Balance

Ever since becoming a mom, I have had a hard time trying to find ways to balance my life. I feel like I’ve never got everything just quite right. I have felt like a part of me was missing. I hadn’t been doing things that I enjoy. I’m always so worried about Marceline that I forget that I have to worry about me, too. I am trying to think of ways to be better about this in the future.

Today I was able to play some video games, which is my escape from reality for a bit. I have been building Florence cathedral in Minecraft with my friends. It has been one thing that I have been able to enjoy while trying to find my balance.

Being able to do something like that where I am able to let some creativity flow and actually enjoy myself has been good for me.

So I am hoping to try other things that make me feel more balanced.

by

It’s been a while

Hello, it’s been a long time since I have written anything on here. A lot has changed since the last time I wrote. I am now a mom to a beautiful baby girl named Marceline Emile. She is the light of my life.

I am still struggling with my mental illnesses. It is a battle every day to try to keep myself balanced. But I keep fighting through it for my daughter. I am on new medications to try to reel in my anxiety. My last medication messed with me so much that I would just pace around my house all day, and that was not a fun side effect. One day I walked over five miles just pacing in my house. Crazy!

Life is very different now, having a child to take care of when I am also struggling to cope with bipolar disorder and anxiety. It is a challenge, but one that I am willing to take on if it means that little girl will be happy.

I have also become a staff member of a large gaming community called Modern Day Gaming. We include all gamers from every age group and skill level. We hold contests and tournaments and other fun things. If you are ever interested in joining us, just give me a shout and I’ll hook you up! Gaming is a great escape for me 🙂

I’m glad to be back to blogging. I will try to stay at least semi-consistent with it because it’s a good outlet.

by

New stuff going on. 

Hey all,

Recently I had been job hunting and was getting desperate. I had applied to McDonalds and a little place called the Green Sage Café the same day. Thankfully, I heard back from the Green Sage first (the very next day). I got an interview set up and was so anxious about it, but when I went in for the interview, the atmosphere was so welcoming that most of my anxiety just fell away. The next day, I got a notification saying that they wanted me on the team. I was ecstatic. I started training to become a barista on Thursday. My coworkers are genuinely nice people and I haven’t seen a single customer in a bad mood. I am so happy to work in such a positive environment. I feel like after all of the negative crap I have had going on these past couple of years, this is the most refreshing setting possible.