Welcoming Help from Others

During the beginning of my depression and anxiety, I refused to tell anyone about it. I was ashamed of it and didn’t want other people to worry about me because I felt that they would just be wasting their time. I tried to keep it to myself as well as I could.

I didn’t want help. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything. I kept to myself as much as I could. I didn’t talk very much in middle school or high school. Sometimes my facial expressions would start to give me away and people would ask me if I was okay and I would tell them I was fine and just had a headache. They bought it.

When I came to college, my depression was killing me, but I still did not want help. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. When I started seeing Chris (my fiance), he immediately began to ask me if I was okay. I would always tell him I was fine. Then, my condition got worse. He picked up on it and began asking me more questions. I gave in and started telling him. He suggested I go to counseling, but I didn’t want to.

This girl here? Yeah, she’s pretty much totally awesome.

My friend, Nikki (http://exogeology.wordpress.com/), started asking if I was okay and I opened up to her. She also suggested I go to counseling and after getting two of my very best friends to tell me that, I finally started to go.

My counselor was great and ended up helping me a lot. He ended up giving me a therapist to start going to so that I could begin treatment.

This was all so new to me. Actually letting people know that I’m not always okay. Realizing that these people wanted to help me, not because they had to, but because they wanted to. I accepted their help after I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to conquer this thing all alone.

My friends are always happy to help me; and I cannot thank them enough for that.

To help yourself, you need to begin to accept help from others. They see your situation from a different point of view and they will be able to tell you what they observe. Begin sharing your thoughts with others and see how much better you feel after you vent and get a second opinion on things.

I know that I have a warped view of myself, so I rely on my friends to tell me that I am going to be okay.

If your friends genuinely want to help you, let them. It will be the beginning of a wonderful healing process.

Sorry!!

I am one proud big sissy!!

Hey guys, I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. It has been a busy week here at my house. My little sister just had her high school graduation last night so, as you can imagine, there have been a lot of people at my house and I didn’t want to be rude and be on the computer constantly. I do have a new post written up and will post it early next week. I appreciate your patience and kindness! 

Something Quick

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has read anything on my page, liked anything, or started following me. You guys are the best!

Much love!

What Time is it?!

SURVEY TIME!!! Yay! ~Its survey time, come on, grab your “pen”. We’re gonna fill this, survey in. With you the writer and me the blogger, this fun will never end its survey time!~

Sorry, I’m a nerd for Adventure Time.

Anywho, I made this survey up. Feel free to fill it in, ignore it, curse it, go on a date with it, whatever. If you do fill it in, it would be great. If not, that’s okay, too.

Here’s the link:  http://cegiblin13.polldaddy.com/s/do-you-suffer-from-any-sort-of-mental-illness

*It’s fixed! Sorry if it didn’t want to work!*

Insomnia. It happens.

Good day to you, my lovely followers.

Today, I’m not going to write too much, but I will still write.
(I am trying to do a blog a day. A blog a day keeps my crazy away!)

Last night was not a very good night. The first time I tried to go to sleep, I couldn’t get comfortable in my bed, so I moved to my couch. I still wasn’t comfortable, which is strange because my couch is super freakin’ comfy. So, I turned on the light, picked up my notebook and started writing. Words just poured into my recent blog, “Expectations.” I didn’t feel like myself. I was tired, but couldn’t sleep.

Insomnia strikes again. I finally fall asleep around three thirty, maybe four in the morning. I don’t remember falling asleep or being comfortable enough to sleep. I woke up two hours later, dripping in sweat and breathing heavily. Night terror. Yeah, I hardly ever have sweet dreams anymore. It’s either some apocalyptic shit, me being brutally murdered or someone very close to me dies because I couldn’t save them. Or clowns. I hate clowns. With a burning passion.

Anyway, this was not my first case of insomnia or night terrors and it certainly won’t be the last. Just last year I discovered this wonderful little blue gel cap called Unisom. Dear sweet mamma does it work. My only problem is, I have grown into an addictive personality. I smoke, engage in self-harm (not frequently, only really when I have horrid panic attacks), drink too much caffeine, and eat way too much junk food. I know that the label on Unisom says “non-habit forming,” but you can be addicted to anything, really. So, I didn’t take it last night and that’s what it got me, sleeplessness and night terrors. Lovely.

I have been trying something for a few nights now, where I find the most comfortable position for me to lay in, close my eyes, take a few deep breaths, and just think about the universe. Stars, planets, a brilliant nova, galaxies, you name it, I’m thinking of it. Then, I think about the earth. Water, fire, wind, animals, whatever. I get myself into a calm. I meditate on these things.

Sometimes my mind will wander and keep me up for hours with thoughts like:

• Are we the only ones out here?
• What animal would I be if reincarnation exists?
• What will I become after I die?

Yes, what will I become after I die? That has been the thing that has been keeping me up the most lately. I acknowledge death, I accept death. It’s just part of the circle. But I keep boggling my mind over what happens after and it just won’t let me sleep. I want to know more. I want to know about people who have felt the touch of death, just before they were brought back into consciousness. It fascinates me, really. 

I know it’s kind of bleak, but is it really? I mean, death can be a beautiful thing. End of suffering, end of cares, end of physical pains. And then, you don’t know where you go until you get there. I believe that the person’s energy/life force/soul/whatever is too strong to be bound to the body once the body has met its time. I wonder if we become part of the galaxy, or if we become a new person/animal through reincarnation. Or, do we simply become part of the earth?

When I try to sleep, my mind likes to wander into the darkest depths of my imagination and thoughts. I put together scenarios that are so unlikely that I just pull out of it like it’s a falling dream (man, I hate those). I’ll ask myself questions, wonder how someone’s doing, worry about something else, and still be trying to get to sleep. It does not work when your mind is churning at 88mph (see what I did there fellow nerds? ;P ). You can’t relax enough. Yes, your body may be comfortable and relaxed, but with your mind zipping away it’s nearly impossible to get to sleep.

Whenever my mind wanders to far, I just think to myself:

• Relax
• Breathe
• Listen
• Be still, meditate. Fall asleep.

If that doesn’t work, I just repeat the process until it does. I think of the happiest things I possibly can (which is normally my two kitties :3 ) until my mind is relaxed enough to fall asleep.

The night terrors? I have no idea how to deal with them. I’ve had them since I was little and probably always will. BUT, it’s just a dream. Just a really bad dream. Your subconscious will trick you, make you feel like that crap is actually happening. But it’s not. When you get out of it, calm down, take a breath, drink some water, listen to some calming music, and avoid thinking anything of it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stabbed, shot, hung, tortured, etc. in my night terrors. And it all feels real. Every cut, bruise, scar, whatever. It hurts. That’s why I wake up sweating and panicking. It doesn’t help me to panic, but once I get out of horror-mode, I get a grip on myself and just try to relax.

I am going to try my meditations again tonight to see how well they work. It should be fine considering I’ve only had two hours of sleep in the past twenty-four…BUT, I’m ranting now.

I told you this post would be short. It is not. I lied. Sorry.

A letter to Westboro Baptist Church (AKA the shit stain of Christianity)

Okay, so I am completely against Westboro Baptist Church and all it does. So, I created a false email so I could send them this message. I wasn’t trying to be hateful, but the truth hurts. If this insults anyone, I’m sorry. If you like it, then hell yeah for you being a decent human being!

 

The Message

I am not going to try to be rude or try to insinuate anything unnecessary. But I have heard a lot and done research about your “church” and how you picket just about anything. And do it so bluntly. I am not a religious person, and I’m sure you will say that I am going to hell for that. You may be right, you may be wrong. We, as humans, are not the ones to judge. We are just creatures on this planet that have evolved into social beings throughout our history. Some of us like to wear jeans, some skirts, some nothing at all. Who are we to judge? 

The Bible is a book filled with words. How every person interprets it is dependent on who they are. Is it just guidelines to make sure you have a fulfilling life? Or is it a book of rules which you absolutely MUST obey or else you are going to live in turmoil in fire and brimstone? Once again, we are human. Humans are animals. Preying upon each other in such a manor that you are willing to picket the funerals of soldiers who fought and died to DEFEND your country, not taint it, is maddening.

I have friends who are Baptists, and they are nothing like the “humble peacegoers” of Westboro Baptist Church. Why? Because they believe in something called compassion. Goodwill towards all men. All men AND women are created equal. We cannot pass judgement, especially saying that it is GOD’S will, because you are a HUMAN. You know not what God seeks. God hates no one. God is a forgiving entity who will understand if you try to repent. You cannot damn a little girl for wanting to play with Hot Wheels. You cannot damn a woman for wearing a man’s t-shirt. You cannot damn anyone because you are not God. You are just people. Normal people. Okay, normal is being a little too nice. You are animals, just like everyone else on this planet.

I am not trying to stir anything up, this is just my take on all of this. I respect freedom of speech, religion, and expression. But it just blows me away that you utilize these freedoms in such an unholy manner. I grew up Catholic (though I am no longer a part of the Catholic church), and I was never afraid to go to church. The priests were not predators. They were normal people, though more humble.

I do not fear for my soul because I am who I am. I do not fear God because God is a graceful, forgiving being. If I needed to, I would ask for His forgiveness. Not anybody else’s. Especially not yours.

The world is not trying to impress you, WBC. The world is a beautiful place filled with beautiful people. Gay, straight, black, white, Muslim, Buddhist, Christian, whatever. Human is human. What other people do in the privacy of their home is their business, not yours.

Why are you so against homosexual people? It is not a choice to some. For others it may be, but it is their life. They are not hurting you personally. They only want to be happy, which is something every person should strive for.

Why are you so against your soldiers? They have defended you from harm and all you can say is “Thank God for dead soldiers”? How do you think that this is Christian in any way, shape, or form?

I understand that you want to be heard, to speak out and make sure your voice is the loudest, but to picket the funerals of dead soldiers is low. Really low. How would you feel if someone were to treat someone in your family this way? With such disrespect?

The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Would you want people to picket your child’s school because they teach science? That would be ridiculous. 

 

I know I am writing a lot, but I am just SO curious about what your ultimate goal is!! Is it to strike fear into the hearts of the simple sheep so that they will bend  to your ways, submit to hate, and begin treating others with such cruel intentions?

Is it to just give yourself a big pat on the back every time a mother’s child dies on the battlefield?

 

These people that you torment (“help step into the light”) have families, hopes, dreams, and their own minds.

From the research I have done, you are not a church. Rather, you are a cult. Yes, Westboro Baptist Cult. And from what I have researched on cults, they are typically run by people who are carrying out the work of an evil being.

Do you not feel evil whenever you say “God HATES Fags”? God hates no man. God does not even hate the Devil himself. He pities him. Hopes that one day he will repent. God is the only judge in Christianity. People have no right to say or do anything in His name. 

 

Remember the Crusades? Where knights of England were send to Middle Eastern and northern African countries to slaughter thousands upon thousands of innocent people because it was “deemed a righteous effort by God Himself?” Yes, that Westboro out of hate and people saying that God was okay with people just butchering other people.

It doesn’t sound very civilized, does it?

 

You need to understand something about America. It is a melting pot of different cultures, religions, sexual orientation, etc. It is what it is. Yes, there are some things about America I wouldn’t mind seeing change, like crime or lack of education, but it is not in my power to change the way that people are.

 

If you don’t like America, or if you think that “God hates America,” then leave. Nothing is stopping you other than your pride. I know that you will not change your ways, and it is not in my power to try to do so. But ask yourselves this: Am I really helping people? Or am I just being a hate monger who is doing nothing but insulting the Christian name?

 

When I have children, I am going to tell them that the world is not an evil place. Because it is not. I will let them choose if they want to go to church or not. I will let them decide if they want to be a boy that takes ballet or a girl that plays hockey. They are human and deserve the right to be happy.

 

Once again, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

 

I did not write this to insult you. This is just my opinion. As my father always said, “Opinions are like butts, everyone has one but some of them stink.”

Personally, I don’t think my opinion stinks. Because it is an opinion. Personal thoughts. Shared with you.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

I hope you have a marvelous, sunny day!!

Love everyone as your equal, treat others with respect. You do not have the power to pass judgement.

 

 

If you have anything to comment about this, please share. I don’t mind if you comment with something other than “constructive criticism,” so fire away people!

Expectations

(I am so sorry I’m a few days behind! Sincere apologies!)

I grew up in an Irish Catholic family. There were a lot of expectations I was supposed to uphold. A few of those things were as simple as doing chores without being asked (cleaning my room, putting dishes away, etc.) Some of those things were a little more difficult as a child. Such as making sure I ALWAYS said “Yes Ma’am/sir” and “No Ma’am/Sir” or making straight A’s. Both of those were fairly easy to achieve until middle school, when classes started getting harder (math…I’m absolutely terrible when it comes to math) and I got mixed in with a bad group of kids. I became lethargic and began disobeying my parents.

Their expectations were still set high, but I knew I could never reach them. When I got into high school, I started hanging out with an even worse crowd. I went out without asking permission, started smoking, and (of course) went out with guys my father absolutely hated. Expectations were still set too high.

I gave up. Started doing drugs. Stopped caring about my grades. I didn’t care about anything. Because I knew I was never going to be the child my parents wanted me to be. I was a failure and I spiraled into depression.

When I graduated, my parents were proud. I felt great about it. Then I went to college and the expectations were reset. Get good grades, don’t smoke cigarettes, stay out of trouble, get an amazing degree in engineering or nursing, etc. I was pressured. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, and that alone stressed me out enough to where I was literally pulling my own hair out. I was making mediocre grades, started smoking again, and started staying out too late (not getting into trouble, per-say, but I sure paid for it when exams came around).

I was a wreck. I fell back into my depression because I felt so worthless. I was a disappointment.

Then, fall break of 2011, October fifteenth to be exact, I had a horseback riding accident that resulted in four pelvic fractures, six weeks of being bed ridden, and way too much time to be alone with my thoughts. I had screwed up again, big time.

I got back to school and thought everything was going to turn around. I was wrong. Again my grades started slipping and I ended up failing three out of my five classes because I was dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder. I was put on academic probation. And that made me feel like my world had finally collapsed. I had completely destroyed every expectation my parents had set for me.

Now, I am unemployed (I quit my previous job because I was treated like absolute shit. Will probably rant about this in another blog.), out of school, and still suffering from my depression and anxiety. The only difference is: I am the only person who has expectations for me that I truly care about.

I have a wonderful fiancé who loves me for me and only wants me to do what would be best for me. My younger sister, Ashlea, just wants me to get better mentally and be happy, and I love her so much for that (I will more than likely have an entire blog dedicated to her later down the road). My parents? They have gotten rid of their expectations and just want me to be me.

They now know what I have been going through for so long and just want me to do what I want to do.

My goals in life?

• Get married to the man I love more than life itself
• Have children (two or three)
• Be a stay-at-home mom so I can raise my children with compassion, tolerance, and education.

I will not set an excessively high ceiling of expectations for my children. Yes, I will expect them to try their very best. But if they don’t get straight A’s or trophies, I will not be disappointed so long as they tried.

You can’t set ridiculous expectations for children because if they do not reach them, they will feel like they have disappointed you. I personally don’t think that it is healthy for children to feel as thought they always have to reach so many expectations.

They are children, let them be children. They are still learning. We are all human, we all make mistakes.

Don’t let other people dictate who you are or what you do because you may sense there is an expectation to uphold. Don’t act like somebody you’re not. Don’t dress the way your friends do just to “fit in.”

Be yourself. Set your own expectations for yourself. Don’t hold anyone responsible for fulfilling ridiculous expectations.

My highest expectation for myself is to beat my mental disorders and live life to the fullest while I can. I have ignored other people’s expectations for about a year and a half now. Not because I’m a rebellious asshole, but because other people do not know what is best for me.

Live your own life. Don’t be shaped by other people’s expectations. You will be a lot happier living up to your own expectations of yourself.

“Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
Dr. Seuss.